A child's emotional development

Young children develop in different ways and at different rates. It can be a real source of stress and worry for parents when their child seems to be developing skills and behaving in ways that appear somewhat delayed or slower than many of their peers. Thinking about the psychological idea of stages of emotional development and how children are constantly 'practicing' new skills can be useful in making sense of why your child may be behaving as they are. These ideas are based on my clinical practice as well as published research by Mahler. It can be particularly useful to consider these ideas when parenting a child who had additional support needs as often their current and ongoing development may be unique to them and less easily compared to the expectations commonly associated with a child’s chronological age.

 The child developing an awareness of themselves as being a separate and unique individual

In this stage a child is learning through exploration (often with touch, sound and sight) that they have their own body and have their own immediate surroundings. Much of what the child does is focused on themselves and their own immediate needs and wants. They may look at themselves, touch and hold parts of their body, make noises to amuse themselves, and hold onto or touch items near them. It may seem that the child ‘uses’ the adults around them to get things they need and fails to see the adult as another person with their own needs and wants. Some parents describe it as feeling like they are just their child’s servant and are merely there to get things or do things the child wants. This is an important step for a child’s emotional development as they first need to learn that they are an individual, before they can start to develop the awareness and skills linked to relating to other people in more balanced ways. Adults can support this stage by providing opportunities for the child to feel, hear and see themselves, whether it be with mirrors, sound makers, and sensory based items. Another key experience to offer children at this stage is to communicate to the child that you see them, you hear them and that they matter to you. Seeking warm and friendly eye contact with you child and providing interested and kind commentary of what they are doing can be beneficial.

The child learning that they can do new things and practice new abilities

A child’s brain development means that new abilities and skills come ‘online’ for them. With opportunities and persistence, a child can start to do new things they have never done before. This can be stimulating, amusing, and challenging for the child (and the adults around them). Many young children seem to naturally ‘practice’ new skills, often repeating the same action over and over on a toy, or on their cup or plate as they learn they can knock it over or throw it. They may also start to attempt to roll over, crawl, stand up, make facial expressions and noises, use toys and items, mark make, and put things together (place things in and out of boxes). Practicing a new skill involves repetition and focus, so a child may appear in their own world when engaged in this stage of emotional development; the activity itself seems highly motivating and rewarding for the child. For other children it seems important that their ‘practicing’ of new skills is mirrored back to them, celebrated and commented on by the adults around them. The experience of being seen to do something new and celebrated for it appears to be highly rewarding for some children. Adults can support this stage by noticing what their child finds reinforcing or motivating when they are practice new skills; it may be praise, copying the action back to the child, or at times being given permission and space to do thingd without being told to stop.

The child learning give-and-take in relationships

Learning give-and-take is possible for children once they know they are an individual with their own wants and preferences which can be different from other people’s wants and preferences. As such, the actions of agreeing, disagreeing, refusing, helping, complying and protesting state to be practiced by the child. The child learns that they can say no to requests and demands asked of them and can literally walk away. Playful games that are done with another person can become particularly engaging for a child in this stage of emotional development, as they learn they can take an active role as opposed to having things done to them. For example, they can start to do peek-a-boo to their adults or can initiate action-based nursery rhymes and play with adults. These are early examples of learning the two-way nature of interactions and communication, in other words the give and take between people.

As a child becomes more confident in the two-way give-and-take experience, they tend to practice the art of negotiation and compromise. There may an inner drive in them to increase their independence, for example by wanting to go off more on their own at the playground or park, walk ahead, and seek time on their own away from their parents. This can be a highly stressful experience for the child (and their adults!) but the practice and learning involves managing and overcoming the stress so that the often-positive feeling of independence and being able to explore the world around them is felt by the child.

Often children develop the confidence to overcome the anxiety and stress of moving away from the parents by trying it out in small steps. They may for example, sit near their adult before moving a little way away to get a toy and returning to their adult. Another time, they may get the toy and then sit in the middle of the room rather than at their adult’s feet. There are often subtle (or at times obvious) ways that the child ‘checks in’ with their adult as a way of managing and overcoming the stress they may be feeling. This has been termed ‘emotional refuelling’, for example looking back and glancing towards their adult, making a comment from a distance, or listening in for a short time to their adult are all ways the child may increase their confident and reduce their stress. As the child practices these skills they often feel less and less stress and anxiety, no longer needing to check in with their parents as directly or frequently. This stage of emotional development can provide new opportunities for the child to explore the world around them (activities, places, people etc) and practice new skills and abilities. Adults can support this stage by encouraging safe exploration and being aware of how their child emotionally refuels so that they can continue taking mini steps to increase their confidence to do more things further away from their adult’s attention. It can be helpful to use the ideas of being a secure base from which your child can off to explore, whilst also being present to be their safe haven should their confidence dip and stress increase whilst practicing being more independent (see circles of security for more on these ideas).

The child learning that they can cope (and flourish) more independently

This stage of emotional development is noticed when a child can manage the stress and anxiety they may feel when away from their primary care givers. It is expected that they still feel some initial stress or resistance at times when having to separate from their caregiver, though there is a confidence and sense of security and safety felt by them that they will manage this and overcome it, so that they can continue to have fun trying new things and increasing their independence.

For some children, they start to feel this after having experiences of becoming distressed and having had a tantrum when being left but then learns that the distress and tantrum comes to an end and they feel able to cope with this. For others it is experienced in a more gradual way. Regardless of the route the child has taken or the events that led to this felt realisation for them, they now live in the knowledge that they are an independent human being who can follow their own urges and wants, manage their stress response, and be open to support and help from adults when they need it.

This is an ongoing area of practice for the child so their sense of these ideas and their behaviour linked to it naturally fluctuates. Adults of children at this stage can support the practice by noticing their child’s wants and needs for independence. Adults need to delicately strike the balance of encouraging the child to try new things yet also protect the child from frequently over stretching (doing more than they can). This ensures the child gets more positive learning experiences rather experiences of overwhelm or failure. Giving encouraging feedback and avoiding critical responses to their attempts to practice independence is also encouraged. Children often benefit from being talked through their day using a now and next approach as it helps them remain engaged and interested in the tasks and activities of everyday life.

Many parents find it useful to reflect on their child’s behaviours and whether it can be linked to a certain part of their ongoing emotional development. Other parents value talking about these ideas in more detail, consultations with Dr Duncan Harris can be arranged through the contact form.