Why is my child so explosive (difficult)?!

An explosive child often reacts in big and intense ways to what appears to be minor things, situations and daily expectations. Some children are naturally more explosive than others. Natural variation in temperament and personality combined with responses to their life experiences and context offers some explanation to this. However, it can often be confusing, and at times frustrating, for parents of explosive children. Things feel predictably unpredictable and there can be moments when family life seems more relaxed and other times where things can feel really challenging (at times desperate).

An idea from the clinical literature that can help parents and their more explosive children involves reframing what might be going on for the child.

The reframe can be summarised as moving from a motivation understanding of the child to a skill lag understanding of the child. Motivation understanding is based on the idea that a child is either choosing to behave well (in line with expectations on them) or is wilful behaving poorly. A skill lag understanding for a child focuses on what expectations they are having difficulty with and the underlying skills they struggling to use in the moment just before the explosiveness. An expectation can be a task as basic as, “come and get your shoes on” or “it’s time for dinner, stop what you’re doing”, or it can be a situation like trying to complete homework or playing a game with others.

A child reacting in explosive ways can leave a parent feeling unskilled and incompetent, in other words, feeling not up to the job of being a parent. Different parents react to these feelings that may be triggered in them in different ways...think fight, flight, and freeze reactions. A key to the reframing of the child’s behaviour is to keep coming back to the idea that the child is really communicating in that explosive moment, “I’m stuck…there’s an expectation I’m having difficulty dealing with.”

So, to summarise the reframing when understanding your child who may be more explosive, we move to an assumption that if your child could manage situations in less explosive ways they would (Kids tend to try to do well if they feel they can). However, handling situations and challenges in life requires underlying skills (hidden skills), some of which your child may have lags or delays in. As such, due to these lags, they are getting stuck and overwhelmed when faced with many apparently minor moments in the day.

A useful resource (compiled by Ross Greene, Lives in the Balance) lists commonly occurring lagging skills that you may recognise in your child. These underlying skill areas may provide explanations as to why certain situations in life become overwhelming and challenging for your child. It can be useful to read through the list and make a note of the ones that you feel apply to your child. Remember, these skills are not a 'have' or 'have not', but instead can be reviewed in terms of how much your child has mastered them or not. Mastering a skill means it can easily be used in moments of stress and challenge as opposed to just in more neutral moments. This explains why an explosive child may at times seem more able to use skills in daily life, thus appearing very inconsistent in their reactions and behaviour.

Reviewing this list is a process of learning about your child, so try to be kind to yourself as you are showing a commitment to making difficult areas of family life better.

Lagging Skill	Applies?
Difficulty maintaining focus
Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another
Difficulty considering the likely outcome or consequences of actions (impulsive)
Difficulty persisting on challenging or tedious tasks
Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem or situation
Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words
Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally
Chronic irritability and/or anxiety significantly impede capacity for problem solving or heightened frustration
Sensory or movement differences and difficulties
Difficulty seeing ‘greys’; concrete, literal and black and white thinking
Difficulty taking into account situational factors that would suggest the need to adjust a plan of action
Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations/distortions or biases (“everyone’s out to get me”, “nobody likes me”)
Difficulty attending to or accurately interpreting social cues / poor perception of social nuances
Difficulty shifting from original idea, plan or solution
Difficulty appreciating how their behaviour is affecting others
Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, connecting with people / lacking other social skills
Difficulty empathising with others, appreciating another person’s perspective or point of view
Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, uncertainty or novelty

For many parents, the exercise of identifying lagging skills their child may be struggling with can be helpful in believing in the reframe. This can help increase understanding and patience with their child, leading to it be more possible to think about situations that may trigger stress and explosive behaviours, making adaptations and adjustments that aid their child cope in more adaptive ways. For others, it can be helpful to talk with a professional to further develop ways of supporting their child. Consultations can be arranged with Dr Duncan Harris using the contact form at www.dhpsychology.co.uk